Dear [redacted],
Dear [redacted],
When we were kids, I only ever saw you on weekends and around holidays. I would be so excited I’d have butterflies on the car ride over. The 15 miles between us was enormous, and yet, I could see you on a clear day. Looking East, you were how I oriented myself in the world. I kept you on my right or left. It seemed like destiny that we’d end up together, one of those lifelong love stories.
In high school, I would skip class and jump on the train to hang out with you all day. We had so many firsts together. First time on a city bus, first concert, first time getting high. It was like a dream when I went to college and we could be together all the time. We spent every moment together, riding bikes down every perfectly parallel street, taking pictures and falling in love. It was magical. Not just looking back, but at that time. I was living out my childhood dreams and so were you. You introduced to me to some amazing people, people who changed my life. We met assholes, too, of course. Wandering into dark alleys we always seemed to come out the other side, changed forever by the things we’d seen. Now, when I think about the ones who didn’t make it out, you are there too, remembering them with me. Even though we’re not together now, knowing that you miss them too gives my grief a name.
When we were kids, I only ever saw you on weekends and around holidays. I would be so excited I’d have butterflies on the car ride over. The 15 miles between us was enormous, and yet, I could see you on a clear day. Looking East, you were how I oriented myself in the world. I kept you on my right or left. It seemed like destiny that we’d end up together, one of those lifelong love stories.
In high school, I would skip class and jump on the train to hang out with you all day. We had so many firsts together. First time on a city bus, first concert, first time getting high. It was like a dream when I went to college and we could be together all the time. We spent every moment together, riding bikes down every perfectly parallel street, taking pictures and falling in love. It was magical. Not just looking back, but at that time. I was living out my childhood dreams and so were you. You introduced to me to some amazing people, people who changed my life. We met assholes, too, of course. Wandering into dark alleys we always seemed to come out the other side, changed forever by the things we’d seen. Now, when I think about the ones who didn’t make it out, you are there too, remembering them with me. Even though we’re not together now, knowing that you miss them too gives my grief a name.
After college we split up for a minute, I went away, but suffered terribly without you and soon came home. Graciously, you took me back without any bitterness. It was even better than before. You showed me what I was capable of, new doors began open. Some of the blackness that we had known together started to recede. We drove my car listening to too-loud music, rode skateboards down the middle of the street just a little bit buzzed, we made art all the time. Together we smoked a thousand joints, got good jobs and walked our sweet and beautiful dog. It got so good that I started to take it for granted.
Part of me always knew that those lifelong love stories are just for bad movies, that we’d met too soon. From day one, you gave me that feeling that I was so afraid would go away. It took a while, but I felt that way until I barely noticed it anymore. I needed it just to get out of bed in the morning. I was happy, but I was too content. I felt like things were as good as they were gonna get, and maybe I was right. I realize now how dumb that is. Is that a reason to leave everything you love?
I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you, you know that. I just couldn’t see a way forward. Ironically, it was the confidence you gave me which allowed me to make such a bold and rash decision. I took a chance, I jumped into the arms of the universe, believing that in being bold, a great force would come to my aid. But so far, no force of your magnitude has come my way.
I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you, you know that. I just couldn’t see a way forward. Ironically, it was the confidence you gave me which allowed me to make such a bold and rash decision. I took a chance, I jumped into the arms of the universe, believing that in being bold, a great force would come to my aid. But so far, no force of your magnitude has come my way.
We have both moved on. We’re different now, we know too much. And while we would barley recognize each other on the street, it was you who you shaped me. Our relationship raised me, for better or worse. I miss you desperately some days. I wake up with your name in my mouth. Your portrait is burned behind my eyes, memorialized thousands of times in the blink of my camera’s eye. Printed by hand, the same way that you are printed on each cell in my body. Present in the work of my hands and my heart.
I took those pictures so that no one would ever forget you, but also to keep myself safe. In those moments, I blinded myself behind the closing shutter, so that your beauty would not destroy me. I thought that in doing so, we could stay together for a little longer. It must have worked because in my dreams we are young again and we are together. You always said, “Find me in my dream tonight.” and while it was hard for me to find you, you always found me there and still do.
I hope this letter is in some way a comfort to you, the way it is a comfort to me. But I know I’ll never send it. You already know this stuff and probably, like me, you barely think about it anymore. It’s just that sometimes, people see it in me and they don’t know what they’re looking at: the bright, hard edge where we were once connected. The glint catches their eye blinding them for an instant. Sometimes they glimpse deep fissures, the result of our abrupt separation, repaired with gold, emanating light. For these pieces of you which will never leave me, I am so grateful.
xo
m
xo
m
Comments
Post a Comment